


Poetic Justice

by SosaLola



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Genderbending, M/M, Vengeance Demon(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:11:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4653642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SosaLola/pseuds/SosaLola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angry that Spike attempted to rape his friend, Xander engages into a fight with Buffy that results to a wish that will, obviously, be granted immediately. </p><p>S6 BtVS episode "Seeing Red." This fic starts right after the scene where Xander finds Buffy in the bathroom in Seeing Red.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

  
  
Xander brushed his fingers on his throbbing nose and realized it was a bad idea when it flared under his touch. The pain should have lessened by now, but it hurt just as much as when he had left the Bronze. Warren had gotten all Mighty Mouse on him, which meant something weird was going on. Those nerds always got freakier by the second.   
  
He winced when he attempted to touch his nose again. He should have accepted Willow's offer to come downstairs and put an ice pack on it. However, that could wait. He had better things to discuss with Buffy first. He straightened when the door to Buffy's room opened.   
  
"How're you feeling?" he asked when Buffy came out of her room, now dressed and looking ready to face whatever Warren was planning. Without waiting for an answer, Xander let out a humorless chuckle. "Stupid question. What I meant to ask is: how's the bruise?"  
  
Buffy didn't look pleased with the fact that he was standing in front of her room, waiting for her to come out after finishing treating her bruise and dressing up. "Where's Willow?" she asked, ignoring his question.  
  
"Dining room with Tara," Xander replied. Willow had found some leads on to Warren and they were all supposed to be downstairs where the files and books Buffy had found in the trio's lair were.   
  
Buffy made a move to the stairs only to be stopped by Xander's hand grabbing her arm. "After we deal with Warren, I'm going after Spike," he whispered so Willow and Tara, who were downstairs, wouldn't hear.   
  
"No, you're not," Buffy whispered back, pulling her arm free and continuing her path.  
  
Xander jumped to stand before her, blocking her way. "I will," he confirmed.  
  
"Xander, whatever happens between me and Spike isn't of your business."  
  
"Yeah, you told me this morning," he replied bitterly. "But you know what? It is my business. You're my friend and he hurt you."  
  
"I'll deal with it myself. Now move out of the way." She pushed him to the other side and kept on walking.  
  
"Right. Like the way you dealt with Angel."  
  
Buffy stopped walking. She turned around and faced him, her eyes showed shock and anger. "It's different with Angel."  
  
"Yes, it is. Because Angel has a soul, Spike doesn't. So killing him is the right choice." He cast her a challenging look.   
  
She turned her full attention to him, her expression impatient. "Xander, if you go anywhere near Spike…"  
  
"I can't believe you!" he exclaimed, not caring if he was heard. "You're defending him after what he did to you."  
  
"Tried to…"  
  
"Same thing in my book," he interrupted before she went on with that silly distinction. "You stopped him. If you didn't, he'd have gone through with it."  
  
Buffy shook her head tiredly, turning toward the stairs. "I don't need to listen to this…"  
  
"I can't understand this. I can't understand you," Xander went on with his complaints as he followed her to the stairs. "What do you see in him? I wouldn't touch him if my life depended on it." He stopped following her in the middle of the stairs, Buffy was about to make one last step and then turn to the dining room. "Seriously, if I was in your place, I'd have handled it better," he said in determination.   
  
"You wish," Buffy muttered.   
  
Suddenly, blinding lights were everywhere around him. Xander gasped when all he could see was white, his gasp turned into a scream of horror and pain when he felt his bones crushing against each other. He clenched his face at the feeling of something squeezing inside his body so hard he couldn't breathe. His hand grabbed the banister, preventing him from falling. It didn't take that long, though, suddenly the pain stopped and the white light disappeared. Xander fell one step ahead, but his firm hold on the banister stopped him from falling down the stairs.   
  
"Oh God, Xander," Buffy gasped from under the stairs and rushed to his side. "Xander, I'm sorry, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to."  
  
It was then when he noticed the dark long locks of hair that filled his vision. With his weight balanced by one hand, the other one went to remove the locks. He pulled on them but they didn't go, they were actually attached to his head. Looking at his pulling hand, Xander noted with fear how his sleeve dangled from his very slender, almost hairless hand. He felt his pants slipping down and frantically grabbed at them. It was almost impossible to keep them hanging on his narrower waist.   
  
"What's going on?" Willow asked as she and Tara dashed out of the dining room. They stared at him with wondering eyes. "Who's this?" Willow asked, looking him up and down, until her eyes grew wide.   
  
Swallowing anxiously, Xander looked down at his body. He was met with a large shirt that stopped around his knees and a much crumbled pair of pants. What made him almost faint was the pair of mountains on his chest. The hand holding the long hair attached to his head went, shaking, toward them… it didn't reach them because Buffy grabbed hold of it.   
  
Xander looked up and saw her face marred by guilt. "I'll fix this."  
  
Unfortunately, all he could hear at the moment were Warren's scornful words at the Bronze, "You hit like a  _girl_."  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander could feel their eyes on him, examining him like he was some freak of nature. They all appeared nervous, especially Dawn, who fidgeted in her seat and looked like a scared deer. Tara left the living room and headed to the kitchen. Good, one pair of staring eyes was out of the room. He would have preferred staring at his lap than looking at them, but he didn't want to see the mountains again.   
  
"Buffy will fix it," Willow reassured. Xander just stared at her before he chose to look straight ahead at nothing. He knew who was behind this. Buffy had said the ‘W’ word and that idiot friend of Anya's couldn't help but jump into duty. It was as if she had nothing better to do than to keep her ears nice and ready to hear a whiff of that detested word.   
  
"Do you want some water?" Tara's tender voice startled him out of his angry mental rant. He gazed at the glass of water in her hand, and while his dry throat longed for it, Xander shook his head no. Tara set the glass in front of him in case he changed his mind and went to sit next to Willow.   
  
They waited in heavy silence, each one of his friends looking uncomfortable and uncertain what to do or say next. Xander hoped they would just stick to being quiet and let him be. He was even more aggravated with the ticklish locks that sat messily on his shoulders and poked his neck. He wi –catching himself- he  _wanted_  Dawn's rubber band to tie it back. Dawn twitched nervously when she caught him staring at her neatly pulled back hair.   
  
The front door opened and everyone jumped before turning their heads to the door with relief except for Xander who just stared at it numbly. Buffy walked into the living room, looking tired and unhappy. Xander wanted to ask her what happened, but feared he would hear his voice if he did.  
  
"Did you find Anya?" Willow asked and flicked a concerned look in Xander’s direction. He tried to smile his thanks, but couldn't bring himself to do it.  
  
"I did," Buffy answered, her eyes unable to meet Xander's. "She… she was the one who granted the wish."  
  
Feeling the weight of the news dropping on him like a loaded sack of bricks, Xander stared at Buffy with his eyes widening in disbelief.  
  
"How?" Dawn asked. "For Anya to grant wishes, she has to be…" she stopped talking when realization hit her. "Oh."  
  
Xander felt his heart beat faster. Anya was a vengeance demon. Anya did this to him. Not Halfrek. Anya!  
  
"How?" Dawn asked softly.  
  
Buffy glanced at Xander before looking at Dawn. "After the wedding, D'hoffryn offered her her job back. She accepted."   
  
"And from the looks of it, she won't lift the curse," Willow concluded. Buffy shook her head.   
  
"Did you try reasoning with her?" Tara asked.   
  
"I threatened her." Buffy sighed. "Didn't go well. She said for the curse to be lifted Xander has to…" she trailed off, looking at her lap.  
  
Xander finally focused his gaze on Buffy. "What?" he mumbled hoarsely.   
  
Buffy looked at Xander with so much guilt, her lips fluttered but nothing came out. She cleared her throat before she answered in a quiet, calm voice, "Anya wants you punished. And… she thinks the best way for you to get punished is to experience what she and I had."  
  
Xander frowned, nodding for Buffy to give him a clearer answer.   
  
She looked down at her lap again. "If you want the curse gone, you have to sleep with Spike." She looked at him with regretful eyes. "Otherwise, you'll remain a girl for the rest of your life."  
  
Xander gripped hard on his loose pants, his eyes froze on Buffy's sad face. His body trembled uncontrollably. He flinched when he felt Willow's gentle hand touch his shoulder, but didn't look at her. "Xander," Willow whispered. "Why don't you lie down? Get some sleep. It's better for you."  
  
"You can use my room," Buffy said, probably in an attempt to make up for throwing that wish in the air in the first place.   
  
Xander didn't want to move, but he didn't want to stay in a crowded room even more. Being alone with his thoughts was definitely a better idea. He nodded and let Willow walk him to Buffy's room. The further he was away from their gazes and pitiful expressions the easier he could control the raging emotions inside of him. He had never felt this much urge to cry before in his life. His insides screamed for him to grab Willow into a tight hug and break down, but his pride wouldn't allow it. At least not in front of others.   
  
Instead of crying, he let Willow coax him to lie down on the bed and tuck him in. When he heard the quiet sound of the door closing shut, he let go of the tears forming in his eyes and felt them wet his dry cheeks.   
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
The soft knocking on the door drifted to his ears and forced him to wake up out of his restless sleeping. The sunray coming through the window hit his unadjusted eyes. His gaze landed on the small, feminine hand in front of his face. His hand. He shut his eyes in humiliation, recalling the events of last night. It had taken him awhile to fall asleep with the swarming thoughts in his head. He had heard Dawn's voice outside the room yesterday, asking Tara if they should check on him, but Tara had thought it was better to leave him alone for the moment.  
  
He buried his face in the pillow, careful not to squash the unwanted bags on his chest. Anya was the one who put them there. Anya, who was currently a vengeance demon, had probably gone back to her old ways to get back at him. As if watching her boning Spike wasn't punishment enough, now she wanted Xander to screw the bastard or else his life would be doomed forever. Thanks a bunch, Anyanka.   
  
The image of Buffy on the bathroom floor with her bruised thigh and tearful eyes filled his vision. How could Anya do this to him? Forcing him to beg the jerk that hurt Buffy to have sex with him. Xander knew he hurt Anya real bad, but whatever he had done didn't deserve this cruel sentence. If only she had killed him instead.   
  
The room's door suddenly opened. He froze in his place, keeping his eyes closed. "Xander," he heard Buffy whisper. Hopefully, she would leave him alone if he pretended he was asleep. The sound of the door closing made him relax until he heard Buffy's footsteps approaching then felt her hand go to his longer hair, caressing his locks tenderly. "I'm sorry," she whispered again.  
  
He wanted to shout, yell that he wanted to be left alone, maybe even throw her out of the room. But the strong desire not to hear his new voice stood in the way. Instead he opened his eyes and lifelessly pulled himself into a sitting position. Buffy sat before him, but he stared right through her, too focused on his own misery to notice her.  
  
"So, I found Warren and the others," Buffy started softly. "Warren's newfound strength was because of some Orbs. I took care of them and now he's a normal Joe again. The police were able to capture Jonathan and Andrew. Warren ran away, but I'll find him."  
  
He just stared ahead blankly, unable to bring himself to care, not when he was feeling his woman breasts hanging from his chest.   
  
"Xander," she murmured. "Please, look at me."  
  
He breathed, blinked when needed, but his eyes continued to stare into space and his lips were sealed shut.   
  
Buffy held his hand and squeezed. "I'm sorry," her voice wavered. "I should've known better, I know. All this time scolding Dawn for saying that word…" Her grip tightened. "I'm really, really sorry. I'll fix it. I swear."   
  
The door jerked open, startling them both. Warren was standing at the door, looking seriously pissed off. Xander blinked shocked eyes at him, how did he get into the house? Did Buffy leave the front door unlocked again? Xander's gaze focused on the gun in Warren's hands and his body froze with fear.  
  
"You think you can just do that to me? You think I'd let you get away with that?" Warren laughed crazily. "Think again." He raised the gun and fired wildly at them.  
  
Xander felt himself being shoved off the bed to the other side by Buffy. He tumbled to the floor on his new body parts, which hurt like hell. Warren's gun kept firing but the sound of gunfire was fading into nothingness, making Xander's eyes snap open. He looked at the door and there was no Warren. Quickly getting up, his eyes frantically searched for his friend. "Buffy?" a voice that didn't belong to him came out of his lips. He walked around the bed, his heart thumping in fearful anticipation. His vision panned slowly to the other side of the floor behind the bed where he found Buffy. She was lying on her back on the floor, her eyes staring upward, an ugly red spot on her shoulder.   
  
"Oh God," he whispered, his chest heaving. He dropped on the floor next to her, noting how her eyes closed slowly before they opened again. "Buffy? Buffy!" His hand pressed against the wound causing more blood to well out. "Oh God!" He ran toward the door and screamed, "Willow! Willow!"  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander shifted from foot to foot in front of Buffy's hospital room. Tara's jeans wrapped tightly around his legs and thighs. He couldn't possibly leave the house without pants, but his old ones wouldn't stay on his thinner body. He still kept his shirt, would never wear something that would make  _them_  more pronounced.   
  
They had arrived on time. Buffy went straight to surgery and the doctors were able to pull out the bullet. Thankfully, it was only in her shoulder. Xander, Willow, Tara and Dawn had been sitting in the waiting room for over five hours before the nurse allowed them to enter Buffy's room.  
  
Willow, Tara and Dawn didn't hesitate a bit as they dashed inside with happiness and relief. Xander, however, couldn't help but stand outside anxiously. Two women passed him, making comments on his unflattering large shirt and trying to hide their mocking giggles from him. He ignored them and just stared at his hands, covered with Buffy's blood. He bit his lips, remembering the crazy morning. Buffy had pushed him out of the way and got shot, she had sacrificed her life for him, and he had been an ass to her. It wasn't her fault that Anya was ready for anything to happen so she could hurt Xander back. It wasn't Buffy's fault he was turned into a woman.   
  
His eyes squeezed shut. He was a woman now. A woman. A whole different person.   
  
Shaking his head, he decided to just go inside and deal with his dilemma later. Buffy was more important now. He peered into the room, but couldn't see her. Willow, Tara and Dawn were blocking her from his view. That made him more courageous to go in. He shuffled inside, like a ghost, and just stood by the door, not daring to go further inside.   
  
Dawn sat next to Buffy on the bed, allowing Xander to see his injured friend. It didn't take long before Buffy noticed him. "Hey," she whispered, smiling at him. The other girls turned to stare at the door and had smiles of their own at the sight of him. Willow and Tara backed a little to allow him to stand next to Buffy.  
  
Xander didn't move. "You saved my life," he said, hating his new voice.  
  
Buffy nodded. "Always will."   
  
"How… how are you?"  
  
"Good. Have a slayer's healing to my advantage." Her smile grew warm. "Come here."  
  
Xander made unsure steps forward before he stood right in front of her. He wanted to fold his arms around himself, but then he would feel the breasts, so he just decided to let his arms dangle at his sides. Buffy held one of his hands and squeezed, then pulled him into a hug. He hugged back, forcing his tears to remain inside his closed eyes. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Buffy," his voice quivered slightly.  
  
"Let's never find out," she whispered in his ear.  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander finally decided to look at himself in the mirror of the Summers' bathroom. He blinked at his reflection before he pulled his hair behind his ears to get a better look. She… the reflection looked astoundingly like himself. Only feminine. It was as if he were looking at his twin sister. His eyebrows were smaller, but not as delicate as his friends', they always plucked them. His nose was also smaller, but his eyes and lips looked the same, probably. His face looked really smooth, the gray stubble on his chin was completely gone.   
  
He was shorter, probably as tall as Willow. But he could only fit into Tara's pants and doubted that he would fit into Buffy's or Willow's. His hair was longer at about shoulder length, but wasn't as coiled as his hair was last year.  
  
He dreaded the next move, but knew it was a must. He quickly took off his shirt and Tara's pants then gazed at the mirror. His upper chest and shoulders were visible in the bathroom's small mirror, but he couldn't see  _them_. Going a few steps back to stand by the wall in front of the mirror, he could see now to his waist. They were bigger than Anya's. They looked nauseatingly nice. His nipples were bigger now that he was a… a whole different person.  
  
He turned left and right and they jiggled with him, he turned faster and they jiggled faster, jumped up and down and they jumped up and down with him. He stopped when he felt them hurt. That was why girls needed bras, because jiggling boobs hurt.   
  
His breath caught, he was going to wear a bra. He was going to feel 'secure'. "Shit," he muttered. Then he stomped his foot. "Shit! Shit! Shit!"  
  
"Xander!" Dawn's voice called from outside.  
  
Brushing back his hair, he let out calming breaths. "Yes?"  
  
"Are you okay?"   
  
No, he wasn't okay. His ex-fiancée turned him into a chick, how could he be okay?  
  
"Yeah, just getting ready for shower," he called back.  
  
"Good. We're ordering pizza, you want yours large and thick?"  
  
What question was that? He always ate large and thick. Now that he was… changed, they thought he would eat medium-size just like them? No way. He was a man and he ate like a man.   
  
"Yeah!" he answered, his voice irritated.   
  
"Okay." He heard her footsteps moving away.  
  
Now he must take a shower, even though he didn't feel like taking one. He looked at the feminine products in the bathroom, they were pink and some had flowers on the bottle. Damn it, he was not a girl. He was not a girl. He was not a girl. A flashback of the 'farts' at the frat house forcing him to wear a wig, a bra and a skirt flashed in his mind, how they made him shake his bootie like an idiot before throwing him out. His fists clenched in humiliation. He looked up at his girly face, his eyes becoming red and threatening to shoot tears.   
  
He couldn't take this, anymore.   
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
There she was, sitting at the Bronze talking a clueless girl into wishing her poor boyfriend some super hilarious curse. Xander would not allow that. No poor sucker was going to suffer any vengeance crap whatever it was he did. So Xander marched into the club, right to Anya's table and slammed his angry fists against the wooden surface.   
  
Anya and Clueless startled. Just looking into Xander's pissed off eyes had Anya recognize who he was. A smirk played on her lips as she looked him up and down. He was wearing the blue blouse and jeans Tara had offered him to wear after he finished his shower, except he had skipped shower and escaped from Buffy's window into the night going on vengeance demon patrol.  
  
"Change me back," he ordered.  
  
"Can't," Anya replied coolly, then turned her attention to Clueless. "So, you were telling me, your boyfriend had been cheating on you…"  
  
Xander grabbed Anya's arm and spun her around in her chair to meet his eyes. "Change me back," he repeated in low dangerous tones. Clueless glared at him, wanting him to take a hike and leave the only person who cared enough to listen to her pathetic whining.  
  
"I said, can't. Didn't Buffy tell you how that could happen?" Anya snatched her arm from his grip, now standing up, arms crossed over her chest.   
  
"This is so low, Anya, you know I won't go for this," he gritted, realizing that he didn't need to bend his neck down to look her in the eye. Right now he could just look ahead and there her eyes were, full of scorn and satisfaction.   
  
"Which is perfect for me, that way you'll stay like this for the rest of your entire existence," Anya said. "Besides, it's not that bad. It's better than what I had in mind."   
  
"It's not that bad?" Xander mumbled in disbelief. "It's not that bad!" he snapped, startling a few people around him, including Clueless. "Anya, do you know that you ruined my life?"  
  
"And you ruined mine," Anya retorted. "I had it all, Xander. Love, friends and a future. And you just took it all away."  
  
Xander closed his eyes and took deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. He looked at Anya, showing sincere understanding and apology. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Ahn. I didn't mean for it to turn out that way."  
  
"But it did. Right now I have to prove myself to D'hoffryn, and so far nothing I do meets his approval. He thinks I’d gone soft. And now I'm more alone than I ever was." She looked back at the table where there was no trace of Clueless. She had escaped, knowing that Anya was no good. Anya cursed and looked at him with a grimace. "You're just getting what you deserve."  
  
"I wish you just killed me," he said bitterly.   
  
"No one wished you death," Anya pointed. Her expression became sympathetic and she gave him another look-over. "C'mon, it's really not that bad. Your woman version is actually lovely."  
  
Xander frowned, anger coming off him in waves. "Don't you get it?!" he yelled. "I'm a whole different person. I can't go to work, I can't pay the rent because I can't interact with people who know me but know nothing about demons and creatures of the night. I don't even exist anymore because my birth certificate says male!" He waved his arms in the air, frustrated. "You ruined my life, Anya. And don't give me crap about how I ruined yours. You chose to be a demon again, I didn't choose this."  
  
Anya pursed her lips, looking a bit thoughtful. Hopefully, he got to her. Hopefully, somewhere inside she would remember how much she used to care about him, that her punishment wasn't fair at all. Her eyes met his after awhile, but for some reason they weren't reassuring. "You know how to reverse the curse, Xander," she said as if she was talking to a small child.  
  
"Anya, you're not serious." He was starting to get desperate, about to throw himself at her feet begging for a sane way out.   
  
"I'm sorry, Xander, Buffy wished you in her place, which means having sex with Spike and in a female body." Anya shrugged. "Being a female is part of it. Not the real punishment."  
  
Hot sting of tears welled up behind his eyes as his lips trembled. "Isn't there any other way?"  
  
Anya shook her head.   
  
Xander stared at her in defeat. There was no need to argue any further, Anya couldn't make him a man again. Only he could do that, if he just let Spike shove his rapist penis into his virgin vagina. A small moan escaped his mouth and he knew he was close to breaking down, but he wouldn't do it in front of Anya, he wouldn't give her the pleasure. He quickly turned around and walked jadedly, straight line, toward the exit of the Bronze, knowing that Anya was watching him as he retreated.   
  
Payback was a bitch. Roles reversed with him walking in a daze to the exit while Anya watched just like she had walked sadly down the isle while Xander watched. Both betrayed and rejected, both denied their requests. Back then he couldn't marry her and right now she couldn't turn him back. Karma at its worst.  
  
Outside, he wasn't sure if he was surprised or not to see Willow running toward him with relief written all over her face. She stopped before him, taking deep breaths from running a long distance. "There you are." She looked at him with a smile. "The pizza arrived and we couldn't find you. Thank God for locater spells."  
  
He stared at her numbly as he hugged himself. His shuttering teeth bit his lower lip when he felt his arms press against the two bags on his chest.   
  
Willow approached him, laying a hand on his shoulder in worry. "Xander…"  
  
Feeling his lips tremble and his eyes water, he shoved himself into Willow's embrace. His eyes released their tears on Willow's shoulder and his breath came in hitching gasps when the sounds of sobs escaped his lips. Willow's arms enveloped him tightly while a hand ran down his longish, smooth hair. She started to murmur nonsense words of comfort, ones he couldn't really hear because of the piercing sound of his pathetic weeping. Okay, so what if he was wailing like a woman in front of Willow and every passing person. He would be stuck like one for the rest of his life. Better start acting like one from now on. His pride be damned.   
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander placed the candy boxes on the shelves one after the other, trying his hardest to avoid Jake who was hovering near him. Waiting for the perfect moment to lend his manly hand and help his poor helpless co-worker do her job. Xander didn't really mind Jake's attempts of help, because they added to Xander's Time-Out. If there were any advantage to being a girl, it would be having a guy crushing on her and doing all her work and she still got paid for it.   
  
It had been three months since Xander was cursed and two months of him working here at Sunnydale Market store. All which were the worst things that had ever happened to Xander. Being a woman was just way different from being a man. Sure, he got rid of morning shaving, but he got to have monthly periods instead, which were the most disgusting and humiliating experiences in his entire life. He also got more useless during nightly patrols. When he was a guy, he had the muscle and body that came to advantage even when he didn't have the fighting skills. As a girl, he was weaker and smaller and literal damsel in distress, waiting for Buffy to save him. So he stopped kidding himself and gave up patrolling with Buffy entirely.   
  
He still kept the apartment, but lately it was occupied by Xander's loser sister who would use it while Xander had to fly to Germany for an urgent brain surgery. The brain surgery lie was mostly used to fool the construction company, who were shocked and upset for him and for losing his needed help on the almost finished project of rebuilding the old high school. He was touched. The problem was that he needed a job to keep paying the rent. Tara was able to get him a job at Sunnydale Market as a Shelf Girl, the girl who stocked the shelves. Willow helped with the identity cards and all the requirements he needed to be able to live as a girl without messing with male Xander's records.   
  
While he was mainly called Xander's sister at his building, he preferred his co-workers at Sunnydale Market to call him Xander, even though many commented on how weird this name was for a girl. He would never accept anyone calling him Xandra or Xanderia or Alexis or any other feminine shortening for Alexander.   
  
As for his clothing, Buffy had insisted he go to the mall for clothes that fit him - especially underwear. He had refused, of course, reminding them that this whole woman experience was temporary. So the girls had decided to buy him what he needed: PJs, different bras and a few panties, which he never used. Xander had tried all the bras with Willow's help until he found his actual size. Willow had bought him several cotton bras without laces. Ones that were comfortable, practical and nowhere near sexy.   
  
For everyday clothes, he had borrowed a few from Tara because she was the closest to his size. Some of Dawn's stuff fitted him as well. He made sure to take only pants, large T-shirts and blouses, nothing that made him look girly or gorgeous or adorable or  _female_. Sadly, he didn't have that option at work. He was forced to wear the cute feminine uniform everyday to work, at least he had the option not to put on make up and pull his hair into anything other than a simple ponytail. When he was at his apartment, he was free to wear his own clothes, basically his boxers and undershirts. The cute fluffy PJs the girls had bought for him were never used. He never took off a bra, except to change into a clean one. Not even when he went to sleep. Just because they prevented his boobs from getting in the way and hurting… and taking them off made him feel weird and uncomfortable. Why didn't Anya make him a flat chested girl? Obviously because it would have been less humiliating and being humiliated was the whole idea of this punishment.  
  
Those three months felt just like Star Trek's final 'Voyager: End Game', a pure hellish nightmare, where alcohol was Xander's real friend as it helped him forget sometimes. Days without alcohol were spent on bitching about his crappy life. Getting hit on by Jake, getting his monthly periods, having to wash his woman body everyday and on top of that having his friends getting used to his new situation when he still wasn't was too much for him to handle.  
  
Thing was they all tried everything to change him back. Long hours of research and asking around in witch and demon communities brought nothing. The only way to turn Xander into a guy again was to sleep with Spike who was nowhere to be found after his disgusting rape-attempt. If they were in normal circumstances, Xander would have been trilled to be rid of him, but since Spike was his only hope to be a guy again, he didn't find any pleasure in his disappearance. Tara's locator spell told them that Spike was out of Sunnydale, but she couldn't locate where. Xander wanted Willow to try because she was the superior witch, except that Willow didn't do spells anymore, not even for Xander's sake.   
  
They had called Giles as a last resort. He too couldn’t find another solution. Not only that, but he didn't come back either. Apparently Xander's miserable situation was on the lowest of Giles' list of priorities. Oh, yeah, Xander was floored… NOT! If it were Buffy or Willow, Giles would have jumped onto the first plane, but because it was Xander, it was a no big deal. Heck, he didn't even come to his wedding. Willow had told him Giles had problems he needed to handle with the Council at the moment. There was also another 'valid' excuse for his non-show at the wedding, but Xander knew it was bullshit. He just didn't matter to Giles. And lately, he didn't seem to matter to his friends who forgot about his misery and went on with their lives.   
  
Dawn had called him out on his new angry attitude. He was becoming a difficult person to be with lately. Always angry. Always sulking. What did they expect? That he would be happy and just accept the fact that he was a Tootsie. Let them turn into the other gender, see how they could handle it.  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander sighed for the tenth time, tempted to pull on his hair from frustration. He was supposed to drive Buffy and Dawn to the new high school today, the one he was supposed to be in charge of constructing if he had still been a guy. It was Dawn's first day and it was special and Buffy bought her a cell phone and everything. But as usual, he was too caught up in his lousy life to pay attention to his friends. When he had called Buffy's mobile three hours after his appointed pick-them-up time, she had hung up on him. They were obviously mad at him, and it wouldn't take long until they got so fed up with him they would stop inviting him over.   
  
He had already blown off all invites to the Bronze or anything public, afraid he would meet Anya by accident or someone he knew. When they would gather at Buffy's, he would stay sullen throughout the night so much so that his friends stopped trying to cheer him up or talk to him, but kept inviting him out of obligation.   
  
It wasn't fair that they expected him to just get over it. To just accept who he was now and move on with his life. With each day passing by, Xander was becoming less optimistic and more pessimistic. He was drowning in depression and losing everything that made him  _Xander_ , including his friends.   
  
He walked to his fridge and gazed up at the pictures of him and his friends that hung on it, ones taken when they were in high school, others after high school. Naturally, Anya's face was torn off of any picture that included her. His eyes lingered at a picture of him, Buffy, Willow and Dawn on the Summers' lawn. He would never be able to go on with his life if he kept acting this way. He wouldn't be able to survive without his friends in his life. Maybe he should just accept. Biting his lower lip, he reached for a picture of Buffy, Willow and himself in high school. He looked at himself lying on Buffy's thigh, all male and grinning happily. Tears flowed down his cheeks easily, as time passed he had gotten used to them, and he knew he would have got to get used to this. Just give up, he would never be a guy again. He would be stuck in a girl's body for the rest of his life and he should just start moving on and live the rest of his life as a female…  
  
Solid knocks on his door startled him. He returned the picture to the fridge and wiped his tears before he made his way to the door. Buffy stood outside with no expression on her face.  
  
Xander swallowed a lump and felt his heart beat faster. "Buffy, I didn't…" he attempted to apologize but Buffy stopped him with a raised hand. She walked into the apartment without a word and sat on his couch. Closing his door, Xander followed and sat on the opposite her, regarding her with nervous eyes.   
  
"I was offered a job today," Buffy started. "I'm the school's new councilor."  
  
Xander forced a smile through his anxious feelings. "Oh, Buffy, that's…"  
  
Buffy held up her hand again to shut him up. She looked at Xander with unreadable eyes. "The school was haunted by dead people. The ones I couldn't save in the past. Dawn almost got killed."   
  
Xander looked at his fingers, ashamed and confused. Ashamed because he wasn't there for Buffy and Dawn and confused because he didn't know why Buffy was telling him this, did she expect that his presence would have helped in a way? But he was supposed to drop them off at school and then head off to work. "Is Dawn okay?" he managed a question.  
  
"She was trapped in the basement with a couple of kids. I had to go down there to help. The dead people were in the basement."  
  
Xander nodded, still unsure why she was even telling him the whole story.  
  
"Xander?"  
  
He looked up and was surprised to find sympathy and kindness in her eyes. His heart almost dropped, knowing that some sort of bomb was about to explode.   
  
"Spike was there, too."   
  


 

~*~*~*~


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

 

 

Buffy pushed the door of one of the rooms in the new high school's basement open. It cracked loudly in the rusty, quiet underground. Xander glanced warily at Buffy, she didn't meet his eyes, she was tense as well. Plus, a little cranky. He wondered if it had more to do with what Spike had done to her before his disappearance or because she wasn't thrilled with the idea of Spike touching someone else. But… there was no way Buffy would want Spike after what he had tried to do, would she? 

Xander gazed inside the opened door and saw nothing but a shady black color. He dreaded going in, seeing the figure disturbing the darkness. With another unsure glance at Buffy, he walked inside. Shudders went through his spine when his eyes landed on Spike. He never expected to see him again, it all felt like a dream, but Spike was there and he was murmuring nonsense. That was not what he expected to see, even when Buffy warned him that there was something off about Spike. He was crouched down on the floor on his tiptoes, his fingers digging into his messy hair. His face was hidden between his knees. He looked like a nut job. Xander wasn't sure how to take this. 

"Can you leave us alone?" he asked Buffy with a rough tone that sounded weird on his feminine voice. 

He heard the door slowly close and knew he was alone with his only means to be a man again. His rescuer. Xander pushed the bitter thoughts aside and walked apprehensively toward the shaking figure. He knelt in front of him, looking into the mass of messy blonde strands. He could hear soft crazy murmurs coming from between Spike's knees, but didn't much care to figure them out. 

"Hey, Spike," he whispered. "Look at me."

Spike glanced up, looking out of it, his eyes glassy and he looked like a broken puppy waiting for someone to kick him once more. 

"Okay, hear me out…"

"Pretty little girl shouldn't be talking to the bad man," Spike interrupted. 

Xander clenched his jaw. "I'm no little girl. And you're not… actually, yeah, you're a bad man. Whatever. Now listen." He let out a trembling sigh. "What I'm about to ask you is gonna put the word crazy in a whole new level, but… I need you to…" he paused, unable to bring the words out.

"Three birds danced near the Nile, one drowned. Bad girl."

Xander didn't give much attention to the weird sentence and started to unbuttoned his shirt, appreciating his decision not to wear a bra for this. He let out one boob and got closer to Spike. "There," he muttered, feeling blood of mortification rushing to his cheeks.

Spike tilted his head again, gazing at Xander's boob without a comment.

"What?" Xander said with a shaky voice. "Don't you wanna touch it? Here, let me help." He grabbed Spike's hand and pressed it against his boob roughly. Spike pulled his hand out of Xander's grasp and fell back to his butt, looking at Xander with wide eyes.

"What's wrong? Why won't you touch it?" his trembling voice rose as he got closer to Spike, who whimpered and shook his head, pushing himself against the wall as if wanting to crawl into it. 

Xander unbuttoned his shirt and flashed out his chest to the scared figure in front of him. "C'mon, Spike, don’t I look sexy?" He felt tears gathering in his eyes, his hands shaking hard while they took off the shirt. He crawled to Spike and pressed his naked chest against him. "How does that feel? Do you enjoy it?"

Spike tried his hardest to stay away from Xander, hiding his face in his hands and moaning, "No, no, no, no." Xander stared at his pathetic behavior and couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed Spike by the shoulders and shook him with all his strength. "What the hell is wrong with you?" he shouted desperately. "Do it, c'mon! Just do it!" 

"No, no, no," Spike whimpered, fighting to keep his hands on his face against Xander's violent shaking. 

"Bastard!" Xander screamed, now starting to beat Spike with his fists while Spike moaned pitifully after each blow. 

Two strong hands grabbed Xander's shoulders and pulled him backward away from Spike. "Bring me back!" he yelled at Spike, unable to get free from Buffy's strong hold. "Please, bring me back!" Tears streamed down his cheeks like rivers while he watched Spike curl into a fatal position. 

He was pulled into Buffy's embrace, losing himself completely into a desperate breakdown. "Bring me back. I wanna be me again, please, please," he pleaded into Buffy's chest, gasping between each sob. 

Through the sound of his weeping, he could faintly hear Spike's trembling voice chanting, "Didn't touch her. Didn't touch her. Didn't touch her."

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

"Are you sure about this?" Buffy asked, concerned, while eyeing Spike who was standing a few steps away from them in Xander's apartment, wanting to be unnoticed. 

"Dead sure. Like you said, the basement is making him crazier. Better have him recover soon, so…" he let the sentence hang, knowing Buffy would get what he meant.

Buffy nodded. "Plus, he has a soul now."

Xander frowned, glancing at Spike. A week after Xander's embarrassing episode with Gelled Freak, where the latter had refused to have sex with him, Anya's vengeance activities became harder to ignore. She had turned a woman's boyfriend into a giant worm, and it started causing chaos in Sunnydale. Xander was able to convince Anya to undo the curse, which would probably cause her some problems with D'hoffryn.

Xander wasn't sure if D'hoffryn was Anya's only problem. If she kept ruining people's lives day after day, Buffy wouldn't hesitate to stop her, in the sense of  _slaying_  her, regardless of Xander's feelings about the subject. And the irony was that Xander still cared, after what Anya had done to him in the name of vengeance, he still cared about her. Love was just weird like that. 

The important event though was when Buffy had followed Drusilla's Male Version to the church, where he confessed to getting a soul for her. He said he did it so that she would forgive him for all his sins, for a chance that she would finally accept him as something more than a sex partner. Xander wasn't sure how to feel about all of this. He knew having a soul would make Spike different, more trustworthy, but Xander's inner feelings of rage and hatred couldn't be washed away by the new shiny soul. 

"Spike," he said and was met by confused blue eyes. "Go to your room." Spike nodded and headed to the closet Xander had arranged for him as a room. It was to Spike's advantage because it didn't have windows. It was as big as a real room, anyway. 

Xander felt Buffy's hand gently touching his arm. He looked at her, noting the pleading look in her eyes. "Try not to be too harsh with him, Xander. He's not the same Spike we used to know."

He stared at her silently, knowing she had feelings for Spike, even though Xander couldn’t see a reason why she would. Maybe it was the fact that Spike went against all the odds and sought a soul for her, like a knight or something. That ought to sweep a girl off her feet. 

Xander didn't say a word. He just nodded and smiled when Buffy smiled her thanks to him. Then she left his apartment, leaving him alone with her rapist and his savior. 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

Spike was sitting on his bed with his arms crossing his chest and his eyes staring straight ahead. It took him a few seconds to notice Xander who was standing at his door.

"Do you want some pig's blood?" he asked casually. He just made dinner for himself and thought that perhaps Spike wanted to have his version of dinner. Besides, he wanted to get rid of one of the many bags that contained the revolting pig's blood. He didn't remember how he used to be able to stand having blood bags in his basement. Probably, the smell of cat's urine overshadowed the disgust of having animal blood around. 

"You're a girl now," Spike acknowledged lifelessly.

Xander's senses screamed to punch him but he looked away instead. "Yeah, guess I am," he mumbled. He looked back at Spike with a bored expression. "So, pig's blood?"

Spike shook his head and went back to staring into space. 

Xander sighed and closed the door.

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Xander began to see the changes in Spike as days passed. He was turning into Angel, and not in a good way. Not that turning into Angel was a good thing to begin with. But he was far too quiet, far too broody and just a plain bore. Xander actually started to miss the old snarky Spike. He knew how to deal with that vamp. A few exchanges of insults and everybody walked away happy. 

This Spike was actually cleaning after himself, tidying his room and things that disturbed Xander beyond belief. He was like a whole different person. Not to forget the occasional crazy chanting and mumbling. 

It was kind of hard to be angry and rude to this Spike. He was pathetic. It was like watching Jean Valjean from Les Misérables trying to make his way into people's good graces. He made Xander feel forbidden thoughts, like he should  _sympathize_  with him or something. Those unnamed thoughts usually occurred when Xander was awakened in the middle of the night by the sound of Spike crying and pleading for something to leave him alone. Xander just hoped this crazy gig would end sooner than later because it started to get under his skin. 

Buffy would visit occasionally to check on Spike. It was weird seeing her caring nature directed to His Fangless-ness. Xander guessed it was the soul. Suddenly, because Spike had a soul now the slate was clean and he should be treated like… a person. Sometimes Buffy arrived with the company of Willow or Dawn. They ended up having a nice time in Xander's living room, only to be disturbed by another episode of Insane-o-Spike. Anyway, it was nice having his friends like him again. Xander's unbearable attitude started to vanish little by little, maybe because his hope to return back into a guy was right there in his closet. 

 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

"Thanks a lot, Jake," Xander said, struggling to use his keys to unlock his front door while holding some of the groceries. 

Jake came to his rescue and took the bags from him, using his already occupied arms. "I still don't get what you need with all these bags of blood. The butcher acted like it was a normal thing to ask for them, is it normal?"

Xander forced a grin. "It's good for art work. Makes the painting more tragic." He opened the door to his apartment and glanced warily at Spike's room, hoping he didn't escape while Xander was at work. Of course, Spike was never allowed out of the apartment, not until he made him a guy again. So, Xander would get someone to watch over him while he was away, anyone available from his friends. Today no one was, unfortunately. In the end, he just relied on locking his door.

Jake placed the grocery bags on the kitchen bar with a small sigh. He stood awkwardly running a hand through his hair. "A cold soda sounds good at the moment."

Xander cursed inwardly. He hadn’t expected Jake to stick around, just help him with his groceries and then get lost. Well, the polite thing to do was reward Jake for his help, treat him like a guest and offer him some refreshment, until Xander could find a way to kick him out. "Sit on the couch. I'll get the sodas," Xander couldn't help but grit those words out as he walked into the kitchen area. 

"Nice place," Jake commented. "How did you afford it? Surely not from the payment you get from the market."

Xander brought two battles of soda out from the fridge. "What can I say? I'm Daddy's girl." He flashed Jake a grin while opening the bottles. 

"You girls have it way too easy," Jake said, throwing himself onto the couch. "Most guys start out living in the basement, paying the folks cash before we can afford apartments lousier than the basements. All is well as long as you're away from the folks. Don't want them up on your case twenty four seven." 

"That must be dreadful," Xander muttered, walking over to the couch and handing Jake his bottle of soda. He sat next to him and held up the remote control, turning on the TV, and going through the channels.

"So," Jake started, one hand on Xander's thigh, "How does Xander live her life out of the market?"

Xander stared at Jake's hand in steel disapproval before he placed it back on Jake's thigh. "Pretty much in boredom," he answered.

"Oh, c'mon, a girl like you. Bet all the guys are all over you."

Xander glanced at the closet. "Not all of them."

"Hey." Jake put his arm around Xander and pulled him toward him. "This one is." He flashed one charming grin.

Xander pushed against him to free himself. "Not interested," he gritted out, Jake's grip on him was stronger. 

"Don't believe you," Jake whispered seductively. "You let me help you out in the market. You invited me in. Why are you fighting this?" He leaned in for a kiss. 

Xander struggled to get free, feeling panicked. "What the hell are you doing?" he shouted, falling on his back on the couch. Jake was on top of him in a second, still trying to kiss him. "Get off! Get off, you son of a bitch!" he cursed, desperately kicking with his arms and legs, for the first time in his life feeling so weak and fragile. 

When Jake's lips came closer, Xander shut his eyes and looked away, keeping his own lips as far as possible from the freak. Suddenly, the weight above him was lifted. He opened his eyes and caught Spike holding Jake by the neck and giving him one strong punch. Jake's scream as he fell beside the sofa was mingled with Spike's shout of agony while he held his head. 

Xander jumped off the couch, standing near the distressed Spike and staring warily at Jake who was holding his jaw and pointing at Spike. "Who's that?" he demanded.

"That's my boyfriend," Xander replied, instinctively inching closer to Spike.

"Your… your boyfriend?" Jake stuttered, standing up, looking suspiciously at Spike who still moaned in pain. "What's wrong with him?"

"He hasn’t had his medication yet. Makes him more violent," Xander let out, feeling his body burn with disgrace at the places Jake had touched. 

Jake looked at him with accusation. "How come you never mentioned him before?"

"Well, I'm not compelled to list every detail of my life to strangers," Xander said pointedly.

"Maybe if you weren't such a whore, enjoying the attention of said strangers, we wouldn't have ended up here." Jake's eyes stared intensely at Spike, who still hissed at the throbbing in his head, and anxiously made one small step toward Xander. Since Spike was too wrapped up in his pain to notice, Jake took two other steps forward.

Xander backed slightly, looking at Jake with disbelief and fright. "So this is all my fault? I led you on, is that it?" Just because he enjoyed dumping his work on Jake's willing hands didn’t mean he actually wanted something from him, well, other than doing most of his job and have Xander still getting paid for it.

Suddenly, Jake grabbed his shoulders and pulled him toward him. Xander let out a scared gasp as Jake grinded his body against his own. "Just giving you what you asked for, bitch," Jake groaned, making sure the full breasts squished against his flat chest and his groin slamming into the tightly closed thighs. His hands were feeling every spot of Xander's resisting body. Shit, if Xander was still a guy, he would have stopped this madness with a blow that would preferably send Jake straight into unconsciousness. Then again, if he was still a guy, Jake wouldn’t have been attracted to him in the first place. But the way his feminine limbs couldn't do anything to save him from the horny freak was yet another slap to his manly pride. Somewhere he could see Anya smiling with satisfaction at the miserable situation he was in at this exact moment. 

Xander didn’t suffer for so long once Spike regained conscious and cut between him and Jake. Xander almost lost balance from the abrupt break of bodies. With relief, he watched Spike capturing Jake by the shoulders and slamming him against the wall, making sure to hit Jake's head so hard he almost passed out. "If you come near her again, I'll eat you alive. Get it, tosser?" Spike gritted out, obviously fighting down the torture in his skull. He flashed his vampire features as a last resort just to get the moron to leave already. 

Jake's eyes widened at the sight of the beast in front of him and ran off to the door, without looking back. He was barely able to get it open with his shaking hands, but managed so eventually, not bothering to close the door behind him as he fled. 

Xander felt tremors of shame and anger running down his spine, not once believing that some idiot wanted to take advantage of him. He had never been put in this position before, excluding that encounter with Faith almost four years ago where she had made him feel like a cheap piece of meat before she tried to strangle him. He couldn't decide which one was worse: being pumped against his will as a guy by a psycho slayer or as a girl by a pervert guy. 

Distracting himself from the anguish thoughts, he walked timidly to the door and closed it. A hiss behind him woke him up from his misery to notice Spike's. He turned around and found Spike supporting his weight with a hand pressed tightly against the wall while the other rubbed his head in an attempt to lessen the sharp headache. The headache he wouldn't have gotten if he didn't jump in to save Xander's useless ass. 

Spike let out a shuddering sigh, straightening himself with the help of his hand on the wall. Then with small footsteps, he started making his way back to his room. 

"Thank you," Xander said with a wavering voice. His hands wrapped his own trembling body in a hug. 

Spike stopped to glance at him. He didn't reply, but he nodded his welcome and carried on to his room.

 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

"So the nightmares have gotten worse?" Dawn asked while playing with the bottle of her soda.

"Yeah, especially at night," Xander replied, glancing at Spike's room. He wouldn't really know the amount of nightmares Spike had at day because usually he would be at work, except for Sundays. Tara would be the one staying with Spike during the day and Xander had never cared to ask her about how Spike was doing. His only priority used to be keeping Spike inside the apartment. 

He caught Buffy staring at Spike's room with sad silence, her coffee untouched. Since she didn't work today, she had volunteered to keep an eye on Spike while Xander worked his morning shift. After picking up Dawn from school, he had gone to his apartment so Dawn would head home with her sister as planned. Of course, the state Spike was in would make Buffy's worry increase, given that she had developed some kind of affection toward him last year and it kept on growing after Spike came back with a soul. 

Buffy looked at Xander, her eyes gleaming with concern. "Maybe it's better if I take Spike with me."

Xander shook his head without even considering her suggestion. "Spike isn't leaving until these two disappear." He pointed at his breasts for confirmation.

"But…"

"Buffy, it's okay," Xander interrupted with a gentle tone. "I know you're worried about him, but I'm here. Nothing to worry about." Even though he didn't want to admit it to himself, much less out loud, Spike's condition was a little overwhelming. More often than not, Xander had found bruises on Spike's chest and arms. They were obviously Spike's doing since no one was in the apartment but him and Xander, which was really disturbing. Xander had cut Spike's nails after one of the latter's breakdowns just in case he tried to hurt himself again. 

He wasn't sure when he started to care. He supposed it was after that incident with Jake a week ago. He had been more aware of Spike's suffering, and instead of being nonchalant about it, he actually started trying to make things better for his vamp roommate. And unexpectedly, the little weird things Spike started to do felt more pleasant and were appreciated. Like the way he washed his mug after use and the way he hung his coat on the coat rack. 

Xander started to smile and say hi whenever Spike passed by. His nice gestures would be met with nothing but an acknowledging nod. It was a little frustrating. The least Spike could do was smile back, instead he was just being his ungrateful bloodsucking self. Xander was putting such an effort to be nice, but did Spike appreciate that? Not a bit. 

The sound of a door being opened had Xander jumping into his feet and gaze at the direction of Spike's room with worry. Spike stopped shortly when he noticed Buffy and Dawn in the living room before making his way to the kitchen area. 

"Do you need any help?" Xander asked with a hint of anxiousness in his voice.

Spike shook his head, taking a bag of blood from the fridge, pouring it in a mug and then placing it inside the microwave. His indifferent attitude to Xander grated badly. He was not going to be unnoticed. Xander walked to the uncaring ass and poked him on the back. Spike looked over his shoulder silently. 

"As you've noticed, we have people in the living room. The least you could do is say hello," Xander chided quietly. 

"They're not my guests, Harris. They're yours," Spike replied and turned his face to the microwave. "Sides, already had my chats with Buffy this morning."

"I bet you did," Xander muttered under his breath. Of course, he would talk to  _Buffy_. 

"What?"

"Dawn needs a hello, too," Xander blurted out. 

Spike sighed before looking at the direction of the living room. "Hello, Dawn."

"Hi, Spike, how you're feeling?" Dawn asked, amusement covering her voice.

"Good," Spike replied. He glanced at Xander. "Satisfied?" 

"Very," Xander agreed, happily walking to the couch. He stopped midway when he noticed the raised eyebrows from both Buffy and Dawn. He frowned, mouthing a 'What?' Buffy and Dawn's answers were shaking shoulders as they tried to repress their giggles. 

"So." Xander jumped when Spike whispered behind him. "Anymore people to greet or I'm free to nip into this one in solitude." He brought his mug up to Xander's view. 

Xander grimaced, especially when he heard Buffy and Dawn's snickers, he turned to look up at Spike with a sweet smile. "Nip into whatever you like, Spike. As long as you keep it down. Can't tell the disturbed neighbors that my pet vampire was getting off on a bag of heated animal goo."

Spike arched an unimpressed eyebrow before heading to his room with his mug. Xander lifted his chin with pride. "Take that, Peroxide Menace." He turned to the girls and found Dawn grinning. "What?" he asked. 

"Welcome back, Xander," Dawn replied. When she noticed that he didn't get it, she explained, "I'm just saying that we've missed your humor." 

Well, he supposed, after walking out on Anya, Xander's sense of humor had dropped to the bottom of Comedy Paramount's charts. Anya coming back and not accepting his apology was another big downer. Turning into a girl was the final straw that broke the witty camel's back. "I was a big bore, wasn't I?" he asked with an embarrassed side grin. 

"A gigantic yes to that one," Dawn admitted shamelessly. 

Xander chuckled before his eyes landed on Buffy. She was staring in the direction of Spike's room, lost in thought. Losing his grin, Xander made his way to her and laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. When she looked up at him, he smiled tenderly. "He'll be okay. I'll make sure of that."

Buffy returned his smile with a soft one. "Thanks."

 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

Xander's eyes snapped open at the sharp roar of agony. Spike. He flung his blanket away from him and jumped off the bed on his bare feet. Running to Spike's room, wearing nothing but a white cotton undershirt and Tweetie boxers, he made sure to grab the mug of blood he had prepared for emergencies like this one. He dashed into Spike's room, finding him by the corner, his face tucked firmly between his knees. Just like every night, Spike was topless, wearing nothing but jeans. It was hard to see how someone would be comfortable sleeping in their jeans, but it was probably better than having Spike sleep with nothing on. 

Crouching next to the trembling body, Xander ran smoothing circles on Spike's back. "There," he whispered, bringing the mug to Spike's face.

Spike let out soft whimpers and murmured something Xander couldn't understand. 

"Spike, it's me," he said gently. "Whatever's freaking you out is gone now."

Scared eyes ventured a glance at him, gradually relaxing when they recognized Xander's familiar face. He looked down on the mug extended to him for several seconds before his hand went for it. His fingers fluttered slightly before he gripped on the mug and brought the liquid to his lips. 

Xander didn't stop giving Spike soothing touches on his back while the latter gulped all the blood in the mug. Setting the mug on the floor, Spike wiped the blood moustache from his lips, letting Xander help him stand up and walk him to bed. 

Then, Xander's attention caught the thin blanket that was half on bed and half on the floor. He held it, letting it dangle from his arms, waiting for Spike to lay down into a comforting position. He tucked Spike in and sat on the edge next to Spike's pillow. "Are you okay?" he asked softly.

Spike nodded looking up at him, his eyes unreadable. Xander squirmed under the intense stare. 

"You want something from me." Spike's strong gaze didn't weather. "What?"

Xander looked down at him, less embarrassed now. It made sense that Spike would think that this softer, gentler side of Xander was more about Xander needing something in return. Helping Spike for Spike's sake would be impossible to comprehend, especially considering their past. 

Xander's lips fluttered, wanting to argue, to object, to say that Spike didn't know him well. Then he felt them. The annoying ticklish locks on his neck and shoulders. The only thing that prevented him from cutting his hair was the idea of going into a Women Salon, be objected to advices on beauty and how his nails would look lovely after a nice Pedicure and Manicure. 

"I want to be Xander again," he whispered desperately. He could feel the detested tears gathering in his eyes and he looked away, because if he kept looking down, they would be falling on Spike's observant face. "Would you help?" he asked, his voice hoarse all of a sudden.

A gentle hand touched his arm and Xander looked down again, his tears slipping on his cheeks announcing betrayal. 

Spike looked up at him, his eyes sincere and lacked expected mockery. They almost made Xander explode into a fit of girly sobs. And then… Spike nodded. 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

Xander closed his bedroom drapes, sending the room into a dimness only disturbed by the faint light coming from his ajar door. He turned to face Spike who standing in the middle of the room, still wearing his jeans. He looked calm and still, like a robot waiting for instructions. That made him think of the Buffybot, which made him think of Warren. Was it possible that Warren had broken free from prison and created a Spikebot? That would explain so much. 

"Got all the time in the world, mate. Not sure 'bout you. Got your little job tomorrow morning, innit?" The words were spoken in gentle tones, but the content was all Spike and not robot-y at all. That actually helped ease his nerves a little. His fingers trembled before going to his undershirt, but then they did nothing. He looked away from Spike, not sure if he could do this. 

"Do you want me to finish first?" Spike asked.

Finish? No, Spike wasn't supposed to finish, unless his penis was inside Xander's vagina. Xander's head shot up to protest before he noticed Spike's fingers on the zipper of his jeans. The amused raised eyebrow as well as the soft smirk had Xander duck his head in embarrassment. 

"Tell you what," Xander blurted out. "Why don't we just undress at the same time? And fast. Like a race. The one done first takes the cup." And before he heard Spike's reply, he went on, "One. Two. Strip!" He shut his eyes and quickly flung his undershirt over his head and his boxers went down to his feet. It took him time to unclasp his bra, but after counting from one to five, he was able to get it done. 

So, here he was, standing naked in front of an apparently equally naked Spike. He didn't know for sure, because his eyes were still firmly shut and he hadn't heard Spike take his jeans off through his own nervous act of stripping. He nibbled on his lips uncomfortably feeling more exposed than he ever did before. His full boobs dropped a little after he had taken off the bra and his nipples perked up in the cool atmosphere. His whole body shivered in anticipation except his neck that was warmed by his longish hair. Feeling a panicky little flutter in the pit of his stomach, he gradually opened his eyes. Spike, still standing in the same spot, was naked. Xander did his best not to stare below the waist and he was grateful that Spike was looking straight at his face and not at his woman goods. 

"So…" he said in hushed tones, "Let's get this over with."

He moved straight to lie on bed, shutting his mind and pausing his thoughts. There would be nothing but blankness throughout this process. And then he wouldn't have to think about it afterwards, because it never happened. He had always been Xander, the guy, who had been in Germany for brain surgery. He would force his mind to repeat that story until he would come to actually believe it. 

Feeling Spike's weight on his bed smashed all the doors leading to the world of denial. Was he actually insane to think that all would be forgotten once he came back? Someday, Spike would regain his snarky stick and then snide comments about this whole thing would start flying. His friends would always remember that Xander was screwed by Spike to be a man again. Anya would never stop rubbing it in his face. . His neighbors would ask him about his clumsy sister and why she had never visited before and if she ever would again. Denial would never work in this case and Xander would always be the only guy who had literally came in touch with his feminine side.

"You're tense," Spike observed quietly. The concern in his voice made Xander look up at his emotionless face. He just realized he was shaking badly and Spike probably thought that he was going through a fit. "This will hurt both of us."

Xander could feel his body almost go rigid through the trembling, like a lousy hooked rung. He knew that as a female he was still a virgin and that would mean lots of pain the first time. And because Spike would cause Xander pain, his chip would fire, and both of them would be lost in their own agony.

"Just try to relax," Spike instructed gently. "Won't hurt much."

Easy for him to say. Xander wouldn’t have this much trouble relaxing if he was on Spike's side of this. However, he obediently nodded and took a deep breath. 

"I'll help, if you let me…" Spike trailed off, unsure.

Xander blinked in confusion. He wouldn't mind any help, why would Spike ask for permission? Then it hit him how Spike would exactly  _help_. He felt his blood rushing into his cheeks, ears and neck and tried not to look away in disgrace. He forced his eyes to focus on Spike's icy ones. 

"Your hand. On my chest. Now," Xander ordered slowly, not wanting to imagine the pity in Spike's impassive features. He squeezed his eyes shut again in anticipation, waiting for Spike's hand to touch his breast. He dreaded how it would feel and the sparks of shame that would run all over his body. However, Spike's hand never came.

He opened his eyes in confusion and was met by Spike's investigative stare. "You're not ready."

He let out a shuddered breath. "I'll never be ready, Spike. Just do it."

Hesitation appeared in Spike's face, somehow making him more human. It actually helped Xander relax a little. He wished Spike would lose the robot act and just be himself, even if he would toss a couple of insults Xander's way. That way, Xander could fire back and then they would lose themselves in snark while working on getting the real Xander Harris back. It would make things easier and the process would go faster. 

His breath was caught when Spike laid his hand on one of his boobs. It felt inhumanly cold and it was definitely a man's hand. A man's hand that started to massage his breast and press and squeeze and pinch. Xander held back a whimper of humiliation and closed his eyes again. He tried to picture Anya doing this to him… which made him almost burst into fury, because Anya did do this to him. Anya was the one who put him in this degrading situation. It was her fault. No, it was his fault for walking out on an ex-vengeance demon, who would never find it in her heart to forgive him and would obviously revert to her old ways and make his life a living hell. 

Maybe… maybe he had it coming? Anya must have felt so small when he had confronted her in front of the Magic Box about having sex with Spike. Buffy probably did as well. And Spike, the things Xander had said, he had never thought Spike would actually help him after Xander tried to off him with an axe. Now it was their chance to get back at him. This night, all three would get their revenge. Tears slipped down his cheeks adding to the mortification of Spike's hand that squeezed Xander's nipples to erection. 

Spike's hand abruptly stopped and was lifted off his breast. "This won't work."

Xander's eyes snapped open. He looked at Spike, who got off the bed, and went to gather his jeans. "No," he said desperately. "You're not gonna stop there. You agreed to do this."

Spike looked at him and his eyes were a little severe, kind of angry. They made his heart sink into his stomach in fear. "I can't go for a shag when the other party involved is acting like a bloody fretful deer."

Xander glared. "Like a what?"

"If you can't take it like a man, then the deal is off, alright?" Spike snapped and Xander shook with rage. He was a man and he was going to take it like a man. Spike better not imply that Xander was… 

"Can't do it again," the soft murmur made Xander pause and blink. Then gradually his rage was forgotten. He felt his face relax into realization as he watched Spike putting on his jeans. It was official, Xander was an ass. He was one selfish, arrogant ass.

He slipped off the bed and walked toward Spike, laying a hand on the sagged shoulder. Spike looked down at him, apparently about to protest against any request for a second try. "Mock me," Xander ordered in a low voice. Spike narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Make fun of me. Say I make an ugly broad. Say this is the manliest I ever got." He fought the urge to fall on his knees and beg. "Here's your chance, Spike. Get back at me for all those times I called you a useless, waste of a vampire."

Spike bit his lower lip while looking at him. Xander tried his hardest to keep his gaze straight and grim. "Always thought you're a chit in disguise," Spike muttered a lousy insult that still managed to make Xander grimace. 

"Asshole," he muttered back. Then, immediately, he knocked Spike to the floor and fell on top of him, and before Spike could let out a shocked gasp, Xander's lips were pressed firmly against his. He kept them shut but still forced them on the other set that to his relief were pressing back. Spike's lips parted and he started to suck on the edge of Xander's lower lip. In return, his lips courageously parted as well and the kiss deepened. Spike was a good kisser. Very good. So good that Xander regretted his need for breath. 

He jerked up and sucked heavily on the air. He was now sitting on Spike's lower torso, his hands lying on Spike's chest. He inhaled and exhaled, looking down at the smirking face before him. "Nice knockers, Harris. Been hiding them behind those piles of unflattering shirts?" 

He glared in displeasure before his fingers twisted the pink nipples hard. Spike let out a pained groan. Now it was Xander's turn to smirk. "I might be a girl, but I can still hurt you. You, on the other hand…" he let the sentence hang and confirmed his ability to hurt Spike with another painful nipple twist.

"Yeah?" Spike grunted before he pushed him backward to fall on his back. Spike was on top of him in no time. "Now I hurt you," he whispered dangerously to Xander's left ear. His nose trailed down passing the jaw, neck, left shoulder and then climbing up the full boob, all in a one line light butterfly traces. When his nose reached the tip of an upright nipple, sharp teeth replaced it going straight to the stiff nipple. Teeth began stimulating the nipple while rough hands started to squeeze the base of the same breast. Xander bucked under Spike and yelped, his head lolling from side to side, almost screaming from the painful yet pleasurable sensation. He couldn't suppress a moan when Spike sucked his nipple eagerly, his quivering hands going to Spike's head in reflex. But then suddenly, the joy became pain when Spike bit his nipple. Two raw hisses flew in the air and Xander almost laughed at Spike's congested face. "See? Can't hurt me."

"Well," Spike groaned, obviously fighting the zip in his skull. "You being the bird, means I top."

"Hey, that's sexist…" Xander's indignant outburst was silenced with another kiss that Spike had initiated. Spike sucked on Xander's lower lip and bit it gently, evoking a moan of delight. It hadn't lasted long before Spike indulged his tongue into Xander's opened mouth. It started roaming within, brushing against Xander's teeth and entangling with his tongue. All done with less luxury and more fierceness, reminding Xander of his first sexual experience with Faith.

He pushed Spike off of him and attempted to stand on shaking legs, no success. Spike looked at him with an amused leer, his tongue darted between his lips. Using the wall to help him stand up, Xander glared at Spike's jeans. "Speaking of hiding things, why don't you show me what  _you're_  hiding under these pants?"

With a sly purse of lips, Spike took off his pants and threw them over his shoulder. They landed on Xander's nightstand, knocking his bedside light to the floor. The lack of jeans revealed the soft honey curls that surround a long, thick penis. Xander didn't know what disturbed him more: the fact that he was looking at Spike's little willy or the fact that it was standing erect. Bleach Freak was having an erection and it was for  _Xander_. 

Wowsa. 

He twirled his mouth, pretending not to be impressed. "Huh, well, mine is bigger."

Spike was right in front of him in seconds. "Funny 'cause I don't see one." He cupped Xander's penis-less pussy for confirmation with one long finger compressing into his tender flesh. Taken aback, Xander wheezed and pushed Spike away from him before he glued his back against the wall, staring at Spike with wide eyes. This was the first time he felt a finger touching that area, he never once did it. He would spray water on it in the shower, just to clean it, but he never dared to touch it. Touching it would have made it real and Xander was always happy to pretend there was a penis down there, which also meant less time staring at it. 

Spike snickered at his reaction and advanced at him again. White palms were flattened against the wall on each side of Xander's head, trapping him in the middle, looking at nothing but lust-filled eyes. He felt the head of Spike's penis trying to get between his closed thighs. Glancing down, he shivered when he noticed how hard it was.

Bringing his mouth to Xander's ear, Spike brushed the bridge of his nose on the hot shell of his ear. "What?" Spike whispered to his ear huskily. "Little girl scared?" He clutched the sensitive lobe between his lips and sucked. 

Xander gasped, his knees almost buckled. "Of your needle dick?" he let out between rasps of hitched breath. "Not sure we need lube 'cause it'll just easily slip in there." 

"Why? Been a sleazy little slut of late?" Spike held Xander's head and smacked their lips together, his penis going between Xander's parting thighs, making the latter gasp into their kiss. He gasped again when Spike's hands slid down his body and cupped each butt cheek, lifting him up. His hands went straight to clutch Spike's shoulders as he swallowed the face before him. With his feet dangling, he was led to the bed before they fell on the soft surface together with Spike on top. 

They kept sucking face for awhile, Xander pushing his breasts against the flat chest above him, enjoying how they hit the hard torso. Spike unexpectedly ended the kiss and looked down at him, hesitation and concern replaced ridicule in his eyes. Xander felt his heart thump crazily. This was it. The moment he evaded and waited for, the one he feared and craved. Opposite emotions crumbled inside of him and he was about to break down.

"Insults. Get back to insults," he pleaded frantically.

The blue eyes before him went back to derision and Xander relaxed a little. "That your heartbeats, luv? Almost making my eardrums explode," Spike complained while grinding against Xander's shivering body. "Always took you for a coward. Bit of a tip off. Like my girls strong with a bit of a fire in them." Spike's eyes glazed over with excitement as his penis brushed up and down between Xander's thighs. "Well, is alright. Seeing as I'm doing this out of pity."

"Yeah, right." He snapped a finger in front of Spike's face to get the attention of his eyes. "If only you could see yourself right now. Didn’t know vamps could pull off an orgasm face."

That got Spike's attention to focus on Xander's scornful features. "And you. Can smell your lovely woman juices." Spike's hands took hold of Xander's wrists which were pinned over his head. He leered when Xander couldn't hold the gasp of excitement. "Sweet bird likes being dominated?" He snickered at Xander's indignant scoff. Holding both of his wrists with one hand, Spike's other one went for his penis. He brushed it up and down the soft flesh between Xander's thighs, sending Xander into a fit of pants. Spike's knees worked on parting the shivering female thighs until they were resting on the muscular ones. Then, without warning, a pointy object tore into the virginal opening. 

Xander's eyes jolted open and his body went stiff all of a sudden. His hiss of pain was nothing against Spike's distressed growl. A set of lips was on his mouth again. "Relax," Spike muttered. "Won't hurt much." Xander let himself be kissed, trying to distract himself with Spike's tongue that mapped the insides of his mouth.

Spike went for another push and Xander groaned into the kiss. He tried to remind himself that the zap in Spike's head held greater pain than the stings Xander was feeling. So he tore away from the kiss and looked up at the pained expression above him with determination as he pressed his breasts up against Spike's chest again. "Don’t they get you hot? I know you can't resist my big jugs." He pushed them up one more time.

Spike's eyes glazed over and then he lowered his lips to the nipples that still stood erected. "Know you can’t resist my tongue." He started giving quick, ticklish licks with the tip of his tongue to the nipples that made Xander giggle and moan at the same time. The licks stopped when Spike took Xander's nipple into his mouth and sucked passionately while Xander arched and twirled with excitement. He felt Spike's penis entering him again, but this time he was too engrossed in the pleasure of the play on his nipple to notice the pain. Spike's hand went loose on Xander's wrists allowing his hands to take hold of Spike's head and press it tighter against his breast. It was a weird enthusing sensation. He had always enjoyed Anya playing with his nipples, but it seemed as a woman his nipples were more sensitive. 

Spike broke free from the hands that held him captured to Xander's breast and started enjoying slamming harder and faster into Xander's body. It didn’t hurt nearly as much anymore and Xander almost cried out loud at the rush of desire that shot through his body. He wanted to capture Spike into another kiss, wanted Spike sucking his nipples until they were red and raw, wanted his body pinned helplessly as Spike did what he pleased. But all he could manage was bucking with pleasure with every slam, enjoying the grunting sounds that came from Spike. 

Flinging his head back further into the pillow, he gave a long moan as his body spasmed into orgasm just as a low growl broke from above him. Spike came and he felt the explosion of liquid inside of him. A gelled head fell on top of his chest, pillowed on his breasts. 

Xander wished he could relax as well but the piercing pain that rushed down his spine and went into his thighs and legs made it impossible to relax. His eyes jolted open and a cutting scream of agony escaped his mouth. He writhed, trying to get Spike off of him, hoping it would stop the jolts. The last thing he saw before he passed out of pain was Spike's startled face.

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

A sharp headache was the first thing Xander felt when he woke up. He forced his eyelids to open as he groaned, his naked body tingling and shivering in the chill of the atmosphere. He inhaled deeply, taken aback by the stench of smoke. Rubbing his eyes to clear the fog, he looked to his left. Spike was sitting next to him, his back against the headboard and a cigarette was tucked in his mouth. Visible smoke danced in the air as it rose to its limitation before disappearing. Both uncovered naked bodies were above the bed sheets, lying next to each other for what felt like a long time. 

Sensing Xander was awake, Spike glanced at him, taking his cigarette out of his mouth and blowing more smoke. "So, you're back," he whispered, his tone matter-of-fact. 

Xander swallowed a grateful lump, feeling his feet reaching the foot of the bed. The lack of boobs, the loss of ticklish hair, the strong arms, the heavier bones and the limp penis. "I am." Even speaking quietly, Xander could hear the deepness of male vocals. 

Spike nodded. "Good."

"Yeah." Xander looked down at his body and was met with a flat chest that allowed him the sight of his beloved penis. He threw his head back on the pillow and released a sigh of relief. It worked. He was a man again. No more periods, no more boobies, no more vaginas, no more bras, no more high pitched voices, no more… 

"Now that Xandra left the building. Think I get the boot?" Spike asked in an undefined low voice startling Xander out of his happy mental listings of everything he finally got rid of. 

He gazed back at Spike, witnessing the departure of snark and the return of the bot. "Do you wanna leave?" he asked instead of answering. Spike was the reason Xander returned back to his proper gender and the least he could do was let him stay. However, he wasn't sure if Spike would want to. Something Spike had said during their crazy sex about doing it out of pity, Xander knew they were just throwing insults at each other to make the whole experience easier, but it wasn't far-fetched that Spike thought this was about pity. Maybe, ever since he had moved into the apartment, Spike was just dying to get the hell out of here and avidly waiting for Xander to grow a pair and come on to him. Just so he could leave. 

Spike shrugged at Xander's question still absorbed in smoking, making Xander wonder if Spike had actually gone to his room to bring the cigarettes, which made no sense at all. Unless the lighter and cigarette were in Spike's jeans that were still hanging from Xander's nightstand? 

Xander sighed, looking at his body once more, letting happiness wash all over him again. "I have no use for that closet, so whatever you decide is fine by me." That was the best way to phrase it. He didn’t sound like a pathetic loser who wanted to show his gratitude and it also pushed the heavy decision making Spike's way. 

He glanced back at Spike when he didn't hear an answer. Had Spike nodded to what Xander said? He wasn't sure and he couldn't ask, because if he did, he would sound like the pathetic loser who wanted to show gratitude. Best leave it hanging, just to show Spike that Xander didn't care either way. 

He closed his eyes in content and wished to run his hands down his male body but feared it would bring the sarcastic out of Spike, which Xander didn't need anymore. It was frustrating, why wasn't Spike heading back to his room? Heck, he should have been gone long ago, while Xander was still unconscious, instead of sitting next to him in bed, naked and smoking. 

Xander wasn't sure how long he was out cold, but he assumed it was going to be morning soon. His insides fluttered at the thought of not going to Sunnydale Market today or the rest of his life. Now he could go back to his old, beloved job. He could be in charge of rebuilding the old high school like previously planned. Willow and Tara could make the fake German hospital bill and all kinds of proof that Xander needed to show that he’d spent four months in Germany. 

His insides sank a little at the thought of facing the girls as a man again. Whispers and weird expressions on their faces because they knew how Xander became a male again. Would Buffy be uncomfortable with him now that he had screwed Spike? Would Willow be excited that Xander tried it with the same sex, making the two of them have more in common? Would Tara lower her eyes at the sight of Man Xander? Would Dawn blurt out unwanted comments? Shit, he didn't want to see Anya's reaction to this. Whatever reaction she would have would scare the living daylights out of him, especially if she asked him how good Spike was in bed. 

Xander’s happy mood was now replaced with a sulky one. This was what he really wanted, to be himself again, but he didn't feel like throwing a party. Damn Anya, no wonder she was D'hoffryn's favorite vengeance demon. Gloomy and disturbing thoughts started forming in his mind, making him almost scream with frustration. All previous exasperating thoughts fell flat to why the hell Spike was still sitting on his bed. And then a new set of forbidden thoughts rushed into his brain, the wildest was, would sex with Spike as a man be as exciting as having sex with Spike as a girl? 

 

 

The End


End file.
